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X-Factor: Thank you for the Music?

The only TV program that makes me hide behind the couch is on right now – X-Factor.

I really cant stand this program, i feel sick watching it because the sheer awfulness of the contestants. Why do people insist on putting themselves in the public eye like this? Is it all about money or do these people actually believe they have something of worth to give to the world?

How many of these ’singers’ have real actual talent? Just because they sing in the shower, they have it in their head that they can perform in front of four judges, of which only one has the actual power to make them a star – The high-trousered arse Simon Cowell. If you actually believe Louie Walsh, Danni Minogue or Cheryl “1000 percent yeeaass” Cole have any say in the running of the show then you are sadly mistaken, and pretty gullible.

How many times should we as a nation stand this absolute balls on our TV screens? But if you really think you’ve got the ‘right stuff’, I’ve made up a simple checklist that you should use to ensure success.

1. You should be a skinny blonde girl with your rack out, or a 13yr old boy that “breaks” Cheryl Cole’s heart.

2. You should prepare a dramatic back story about how you gave mouth-to-mouth to your fish, but it just didn’t make it, then film it before your audition with a full ITV film crew (if you still believe this shite isn’t staged, you should just give up on life).

3. You should always, always say “please Simon, pleeease…i need this, my life is over if i don’t make it as a singer. I don’t know how to do anything else”. Honestly, please stop.

That should ensure you some degree of success, and don’t worry if you here Sigur Ros over the stereo just after your audition, just grab your coat you failure.

And who can forget our past winners? What everyones forgot them? ah well, such is life.

If I must watch this [shoots sideways glance at the missus] at least i can watch Simon smash some dreams, its the only redemming feature of a tired format that should have died, along with Big Brother about 3 years ago.

Tags: rant, Television, X-Factor