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X-Factor: Thank you for the Music?

The only TV program that makes me hide behind the couch is on right now – X-Factor.

I really cant stand this program, i feel sick watching it because the sheer awfulness of the contestants. Why do people insist on putting themselves in the public eye like this? Is it all about money or do these people actually believe they have something of worth to give to the world?

How many of these ’singers’ have real actual talent? Just because they sing in the shower, they have it in their head that they can perform in front of four judges, of which only one has the actual power to make them a star – The high-trousered arse Simon Cowell. If you actually believe Louie Walsh, Danni Minogue or Cheryl “1000 percent yeeaass” Cole have any say in the running of the show then you are sadly mistaken, and pretty gullible.

How many times should we as a nation stand this absolute balls on our TV screens? But if you really think you’ve got the ‘right stuff’, I’ve made up a simple checklist that you should use to ensure success.

1. You should be a skinny blonde girl with your rack out, or a 13yr old boy that “breaks” Cheryl Cole’s heart.

2. You should prepare a dramatic back story about how you gave mouth-to-mouth to your fish, but it just didn’t make it, then film it before your audition with a full ITV film crew (if you still believe this shite isn’t staged, you should just give up on life).

3. You should always, always say “please Simon, pleeease…i need this, my life is over if i don’t make it as a singer. I don’t know how to do anything else”. Honestly, please stop.

That should ensure you some degree of success, and don’t worry if you here Sigur Ros over the stereo just after your audition, just grab your coat you failure.

And who can forget our past winners? What everyones forgot them? ah well, such is life.

If I must watch this [shoots sideways glance at the missus] at least i can watch Simon smash some dreams, its the only redemming feature of a tired format that should have died, along with Big Brother about 3 years ago.

Tags: rant, Television, X-Factor

Little Britain Face Uphill Battle to win Over US

So British comedy sketch show Little Britain died on its arse after its US debut. Was it because it wasn’t funny? Or was it simply because Americans didn’t ‘get’ it?

When the comedy by Matt Lucas and David Walliams was first on BBC3 in the UK, it caused a storm because it was so unique. It was the first time i laughed out loud at a sketch show since the Two Ronnies during the early 90s, and the nation was totally hooked.

The comedy made stars out of the two actors. Matt Lucas the short tubby one was out and out gay, and is married to another bloke I believe, and David Walliams had the UKs newspapers on fire with the is he/isn’t he gay rumours (even though he’s had a string of beautiful women hanging off his arm over the years).

Is it just too in your face for the US? I find it strange. Its not the first time a UK comedy show has translated over though. Iconic late 80s sci-fi show Red Dwarf, starring Craig Charles and the hilarious Chris Barrie as Arnold J. Rimmer, had a brief foray in to the US with its own version that even had a guest appearance from Robert Lewellan, who played android Kryten, but that show plain sucked as American actors couldn’t deliver the sarcastic lines how it should have been.

More recently, the Office, which in the UK starred stand up comic Ricky Gervais, won over any initial critics in the US and became somewhat of a hit show, lead actor Steve Carrell played the part of the foot in mouth boss perfectly, which was the main factor, along side the brilliantly written script.

Little Britain was never supposed to be a clever program, it was never suggestive, it has always been more in your face, and crude, and perhaps America’s viewers just weren’t ready, or maybe the characters just don’t cross the Atlantic well. They may not see the funny side of a guy faking that he’s wheel chair bound, or that to body builders probably love chasing each other around the locker room…

It may well grow on viewers though, i knew a few people who hated it the first time they saw it, so go on America, give Little Britain a chance.

Tags: Little Britain, Opinion, Television