Who's Harder? Jean-Claude Van Damme or Steven Segal?

Who’s Harder? Jean-Claude Van Damme or Steven Segal?

Its an age old question: Who’d win in a fight [insert name here] vs [insert name here] ?

Well my friends, I’ve decided to put two leviathans of martial arts to the test, who’ll come out victorious, and who’ll be picking their teeth up off of the floor?

Who are they?

Jean-Claude Van Damme: Otherwise known as the “muscles from Brussels”. The now 49-years-old Van Damme is one 5′ 9″, kick ass, fighting machine – oh and he’s a fully trained ballet dancer…

Steven Segal: This former bodyguard of Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Segal has played a pony-tailed ex-marine/cop in more movies than I can remember. Also kicks ass, and seems to land a girl at least half of his 56 years of age, in every film.

Where did they start?

Van Damme’s classic film Bloodsport (1988) was his first starring one, and made him pretty damn famous in the world of macho man fighting other man fans. Although it could easily go down as one of the most homoerotic movies ever made, there is no denying that its also mega tough. Like Freddie Mercury was. Probably.

Segal started his ‘big screen’ movie career in 1988 in Above the Law, sadly for Steve the media hype could not fully capture how great his receding hairline, and pony tail was, and the next big A-list action star, became a B/C movie star – probably for all eternity.

They must have made one great film right?

Well yes, Van Damme did make the awesome Universal Soldier where he and fellow meat head Dolph Lundgren, went at it like hammer and tong’s. Segal came right back at him with Under Seige, described by many as “Die Hard on a Boat”, which featured Segal as and ex-Navy SEAL chef, who was pretty good at chopping up some terrorist ass, as well as a mean salad.

Tell me something I never knew

Well OK then. Did you know that Segal has released two blues albums, and has toured the world with his band? Or how about that the be-pony-tailed tool was also married to that hot chick from Weird Science, Kelly LeBrock until 1996.

Don’t worry, Van Damme has some other…er…interesting claims to fame? The Johnny Cage character from Mortal Kombat was modelled on the kickboxing god, oh and he also got a boner when he was dancing with a mildly attractive woman live on Belgian TV…brilliant…

Are these guys rich?

You may well find it hard to believe, but holy crap! yes they are loaded. Van Damme’s movies have reportedly made over $1bn, so he must have a pretty nice house. Segal, loses out slightly here, in that he’s ‘only’ made $750m dollars worth of box office money – but i reckon he’s got a better car than me.

So who would win in a fight then?

Now if we take the fact that Segal is Taller than Van Damme that gives him reach, but Segal is older than ‘ole JCVD – so that evens things up a bit. Van Damme has been in far better movies, but Segal has a ponytail…man this is tough…i’m going to have to give the victory to Van Damme for not only ‘rockin a hard on on live TV, but for continuing to make films in spite of that fact. Also, Segal’s fashion sense should have died in feudal Japan.

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